Oh hello Jennifer Aniston, patron saint of non relationship relationships
Oh shit what's this? other Jennifer also wants in.
NO. NO JENNIFER YOU CAN TAKE YOUR BLINGY LADY GARDEN AND GTFO.
Both of you can GTFO.
My parents are in town and they are asking things about my relationship.
Since i am someone who is naturally skittish about relationships, this has amped up my commitment phobia to unseeming (this is a word because I say so) levels.
Zeus has asked me to please tone it down up there.
I don't talk about my relationship in much detail except to good friends, neither does the bf.
In fact I think for a long time, everyone thought we were single.
This is what happens when you don't talk about your personal life too much.
Also you get people trying to get in your grooves that then get angry when they find out you're not single.
Don't assume people, if I am at a point where things are cast in stone nothing can be done, if nothing is certain but I don't like you, nothing can be done either.
So the only solution is to corner me when I am emotionally confused and be good looking.
Also helps if you are relatively funny and not too dumb.
And when my relationship is not on.
And when I am feeling randy.
And there are a lot of things that need to happen for this to happen.
Sometimes the a lot of things can be a lot of cocktails.
And I think I have officially pushed this too far.
Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with Maybelline.
Yesterday I was a lipstick lesbian then today I am preaching about how to get or keep a man. That's because everything may be completely made up, maybe it's true, maybe you'll have to stick a lie detector test on me. This all came about because of a expert cleaner who cleans the house I am currently staying in. Her tips and tricks on how to keep a man happy and your marriage working. invaluable.She's the kind of fussy old maid that you want making you a hot cup of milo when you're crying into your apron or that will add discreet dashes of whiskey to your tea when you're being hysterical. In short, I wish I could clone her and take her back to Sydney to stay with me forever and ever.
1. Know when to hold your temper or when it is time to let things go for awhile
Her philosophy is that men are very moody creatures and if you push them too hard they'll go crazy and murder you with a rock or something. I say that can be well used for women too especially on those few days in a month. Murder.with.a.rock. 2.Take care of yourself, don't give yourself up too easily It's kind of like Mcdonalds, it's yummy with zero nutritional value. There are clear guidelines and there are grey areas with things, you don't often become lifelong partners with people you only see recreationally. 3. Excussee mah beauty Youth and beauty is only valuable when you are young and beautiful, learn to provide for yourself. She gave me a very long talk on this because she was horrified that all I did was work. I've only recently started going for facials or to get my nails and hair done. In her words "You're very beautiful now but if you don't take care of yourself there are lots of ladies out there who are younger and more beautiful" To me, there's always going to be someone younger and more beautiful than I am, I don't buy into the rif raf that we should all be chasing eternal youth. I feel much better about myself and my appearance now than I did when I was 20, but I guess a little upkeep is not a bad idea. 4. Enjoy your youth before you settle down because it only comes once Amongst her suggestions were "go out dancing! go to the pub! go drinking! have boyfriends!" I failed x 10. I've gone out while in Singapore which was really fun but it's definitely not something I can do every week or even every other week. My enjoyment of my youth is very career focused then comes the other things I like spending time on. Games, books, cooking, writing, drinking a glass or two of nice wine, movies, spending time with the people I love and care about. 5. People never change I think they do.. to a certain degree but the core characters of a person are pretty much set. When picking a partner, consider whether you can live with who they are for the rest of your life.. love only carries you so far. Well there it is. What life philosophies have you learnt from other people?
I have a crippling fear of commitment and grass. Grass is the DEVIL, it is full of hidden gross things like earthworms, poop, beetles, mud, dead and decaying creatures ugh ugh ugh. Fk grass, keep it on the fields and far away from me, unless I am wearing fully covered shoes and am sitting on a plastic sheet.
Anyway yesterday I had two options, take a sleeping pill or go with my friend to a lesbian bar. Since she was only stopping over in Singapore for a night and i'm not local, I had no idea where to go. In the end we didn't go out but this is what I imagine would have happened.
That's me, in a rainforest themed club, crying, surrounded by pointy eared skanks.
I would have gotten exceedingly drunk just by stepping into the club. I'm an asian girl, the alcohol fumes will be enough for me. Then I would sit down, take a few deep breaths and proceed to get rip roaringly wasted while crying into a table about how all guys are assholes and I should go out with girls instead. Everyone will avoid me like the plague except for the one nice girl who comes and makes my life better. I swear off men and we live happily ever after. Also she'll be swimming in dough so I don't have to worry about my mortgage ever again. The End. Now this is what would really happen. Everything above except for meeting a nice girl because no girl is crazy enough to go near someone like that. Unless they have issues.. ya know there are those who like to feel that they are saving the world? Annnyyywho. There is no really running from commitment or life or whatever it is. As my friend told me, you're not that young anymore, you can start thinking about things like these. To that I say heh. Also I decided to take a sleeping tablet since i've not slept properly for a few days with having a fever and all. Things that happened: 1. I felt an extreme sense of well being towards everybody 2. My brain turned off all filters so while having a chat with my best friend I was apparently very weird, no filters does not mean more honesty, no filters means any random thought can be expressed at any time 3. I wanted to text my friend to say we should go out for a drink4. I became dizzyingly paranoid after about an hour To explain no.4, yesterday I heard a loud crash in the house so ran downstairs and one of the paintings had fallen down. It was hung up by quite thick wire so am not sure what happened but it looks like the wire snapped? So.. when paranoia hit, I thought there was someone in the house and had been there since the painting fell, there wasn't, I checked and I knew there wasn't anyone in the house but part of me was having none of it. I checked the house 3-4 times, all clear. Finally I dozed off with extra pillows around me, for protection. Wow I am a very well adjusted adult.
I have not brushed or combed my hair in more than 10 years.. actually.. I don't know when I last brushed my hair. I don't own a hairdryer and have not blow dried my own hair for.. good god this is starting to look craptisculy unfeminine. I had a hairdryer maybe 4 years ago? I might have used it once or twice? But but! sometimes when i'm travelling I do try to blow dry my hair so i'm not walking around with soppy hair! I get my hair done every 6 months to a year (absolute shame face)
To be fair, my hair rarely if ever gets tangled. It's wavy and kind of fluffy, I have more problems combating frizz than anything else but that seems to have calmed down with awesome keratin treatments. I've stopped dyeing my hair any sorts of browns but decided to dye it black resulting in most unseeming fiascos where the red starts to bleed through again. When my hair gives me the shits I tie it up or put it in a bun. Tell me i'm not alone. There are other women out there who do not brush their hair ever, or own a hair dryer?? ANYONE??? (most self indulgent post ever)
Now 80% more attractive with the addition of a watch.
Swing your nipple tassles and give her a warm welcome and enjoy the interview!
1. Sometimes I see people with hair on their big toes, I mean I have a hair or two on my big toe.. why do you think people have hair there? I think you’ll agree that the best way for me to answer this is in haiku form. Follically ab- Undant toe. reason irrel- Evant. Amputate.
2. Cameltoes, vaginas in too tight spandex.. don't actually look that alike.. or do they? hmmm Mine sure doesn’t! Only because it’s situated closer to my knee cap. Also, the crevice is horizontal. So it kind of looks like it’s smirking.
(apparently that's what whores looked like then, good god)
3. Eventually one day sometime in the future I think I mean maybe we just might meet, what do you think will happen?I think we will meet at the Wild West Saloon, circa 1913. You’ll be wearing a fetching victorian corset, and I’ll be wearing a tasteful pair of Sheriff-badge inspired nipple tassels. I’ll also be wearing a beekeeper hat, just to make me seem more mysterious. Obviously we will hit it off right away, and will be so busy laughing and dancing and collecting honey that we won’t realize that it’s not actually a saloon we’re in, but rather a whore house.This scenario will allow me to fulfill two life goals at once: You and I meeting in person, and finally having a context for the idiom. “It’s hotter than a whore house on nickel night.” (Which reminds me, we also have to meet on nickel night.)Maybe later we’ll return to present day and get our drink on. We can play it by ear. 4. Between a cockchafer, soft shelled turtle and turducken, which will you choose as a pet and why? That depends. Would I still be able to ride the soft-shell turtle? Or would he be all like,“Get off me! You’re indenting my shell and crushing me and now my turtle guts are spread out on the concrete and it’s embarrassing because normally turtles are very reserved animals except for flat back turtles that I call“Sea Whores” because they’re always on their backs which is why they’re so flat no offense to sea horses, though." There’s nothing that annoys me more than anal-retentive pets. Anyway, to answer your question, I’d definitely pick the cockchafer.
5. What is this book that you are writing? When will it be released? Any sneak previews? Why did you go to Mexico to write it?
I went to Mexico because it’s cheap. And hot. And I despise Canadian winters. Also, I thought it would inspire me since my collection of essays are primarily based on the time I spent studying Spanish/traveling in Central America. (Had I been thinking logically at the time, I would have gone back to Central America instead.) I’d give you a sneak peek, but it’s not actually in book form yet. Or coherent English. Because I lack the to ability to focus on any writing project for longer than five minutes, I estimate the release will be sometime after the Apocolypse. (Fingers crossed!) 6. Where do you get your ideas on what to write in your blog, some of it is just.. the blog post where you spoked french using emoticons, good god I wouldn't know where to begin. Do you have some kind of thought process? (My blog process is doing mindless tasks, like showering or shaving and I have not blogged for awhile... this does not bode well)I know that my earlier posts stemmed from interactions I had with co-workers, acquaintances, reading celebrity gossip sites, etc. I also spent a few months letting my insomnia guide me. Honestly, I’ve always been so fascinated by the thought-processes of other eccentric people/personality-types that it only recently occurred to me that my time might be better spent trying to understand my own.
(with this mask we can BE Courtney Stodden! Be still my brashly beating heart beneath my breastessess) 7. You may choose to answer this question as Courtney Stodden. How does cake make you feel?Do you mean if as if I actually am Courtney Stodden? Or as me, talking like Courtney Stodden? Because I’m versatile, I’ll do both. As Courtney Stodden: “Seductively swallowing the succulent sinfulness and savoring the scrumptiousness as it scrupulously surrenders itself into the severely stretched space of my STD-symptom saturated subterranean.” As me, mimicking Courtney Stodden: Same as above. (Except for the STD part) 8. "Dear B Schooled,My boyfriend tells me that he loves me but he keeps trying to put my hands in his socks but it makes me very uncomfortable. When I do that, my eye is always at level with his belt buckle, it says "I LIKE RIASINS" and he often thrusts it in my face. I don't know how to approach this, how do I tell him that his favourite belt has a spelling mistake? Help?Love Penny from the block" Did you post this question on Yahoo Answers? Because I think I already answered it. I was the one who wrote that you should love your boyfriend no matter what cuz u never no if u will get another one and maeybe hes just shy and thrusting a belt buckle in ur face is his way of shoewing u that he r lieks u and I dont under stand what u mean about the spelling misteak? 9. Let's say the Mayans were right and 2012 is the apocalypse. Is there anything you'd want to do before the world ends? Have you done everything you have wanted to? It’s always been my dream to dress up in traditional mayan clothing (an indigenous pantsuit with matching sash, or a colorful feathered headdress, perhaps) and predict that the world is going to end in 2012. But since I wasn’t planning to do it until the spring of 2013, it’s obviously not going to happen. 10. If you could be asked any question in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it? I would want someone to ask me “What’s your damage?” , and I would answer them by rolling my eyes and saying in a condescending voice, “Seriously homey, who says that anymore?” Then shit would get real and we'd start wrassling each other but eventually we’d work it all out and everything would be cool beans.
Head over to her blog if you want to make some convo!!
Thank you for the interview and for Schoolin us all.
I am truly blessed and stuff to love what I do and do what I love.
Can I get a HOOLLLLAAAAAAA???!!!!
Anywho there's a whole bunch of shit i've learnt from film production work.
I shall now deign to splatter this information all over you.
Assassin's Creed
1. Wear steel capped boots for the love of all that is holy.
The amount of times I have shattered my toenails or broke my toe.. and it's always the same fucking toe.
Unfortunately for me I have teeny weeny baby feet and the boots that I have are not steel capped.
Apparently children cannot wear things like that because they may accidentally fracture their parents skull in a epileptic fit. who knew?
2. You are only as good as the most junior person on set
Do not ever presume that you are too good for menial tasks.
But don't try and take on too much, you're hired for a reason, make sure you can do that before taking on anything else.
3. Eat and rest
This is something I am always guilty of not doing, I don't eat properly or rest enough in between takes.
Then sometimes I have very relaxing shoots where all I seem to be doing is eating up all the food.
Fine balance, too much food = tired, too little food = tired, too much fruit = shitting your pants
4. Patience is a virtue
I describe shooting as 70% waiting, 20% frantic screaming, 10% everything is going well.
Be patient and considerate when others are setting up, we have a schedule and they know that, don't be all up in their grill about it.
Don't try to rush shots along, again we have a schedule, only panic when we are more than 10% of total allocated time behind.
5. Faint heartedness be gone
This industry is not for those seeking glamour and an easy way out.
It's an industry built on a lot of passion and love (did I actually say love? eeeekkk) and those who are in it for other reasons jump ship fairly quickly.
Be ready to always do your best, people may not remember your name but they'll remember how you performed, kind of like one night stands.
Me on set for the first short film i'd ever worked on in Australia
