Since everyone in the world (Jen) has put together a list of commandments for pleasing a lady, I thought I would do my own.
A very specific list, tailored to pleasing me
1. buy me food 2. buy me food 3. buy me food 4. buy me food 5. buy me food 6. love me 7. love me 8. buy me food 9. love me 10. buy me food and don't cheat on me
I especially like being brought food. Bitches love food.
For the first time in my life, I feel like everything I have ever blogged for has been validated when the lovely Becca from I'm Pretty Sure That actually requested an interview.
I know right? Someone fan me right up the hoo ha cuz it's getting hot all up in hereeeee!
Because of her supreme awesomeness, I have edited this photo so she looks like a true winner!
If you look closely, you can see that her crown is made of stars, because she is a star! attention to detail people.
NOW READ HER INTERVIEW FOR ALL THINGS SHE'S PRETTY SURE ABOUT!!
1. Snails, yay or nay? Why?
YAY because who doesn't love snails. Yeah, they're kind of gross when you accidentally squish one, but otherwise they make for the perfect pet when you're mom says you're not allowed to have pets... besides snail slime is kind of shimmery and so if the light's just right it looks like rainbows on the sidewalk.
(yeah ok they're kind of cute)
2. Have you ever stolen anything? Is yes, what, if no, WHY NOT! 5 fingered discounts are the shizzz
Ummm yes, a shirt from a department store on a dare when I was 14, and I felt awful for days. I eventually gave it to the friend that dared me because I couldn't even stand to look at in and partly because I was scared shitless that the cops were going to show up at my house any minute and haul me off to jail. Jail scares me. (Hold me)
3. You have lots of things you are pretty sure about, anything you're pretty sure about in the world of humour blogs?
(I personally think a lot of comedy type folks whether bloggers, stand up, comedy writers etc are a little bit wonky in the head..)
Well I'm pretty sure that I AM Wonky in the head. The wonkiness makes for great writing. The only thing I'm really sure about in world of humor blogs is that not everyone has the same sense of humor. There must be 100's of thousands of humor blogs on the interwebs, but not each one of them is piss yourself funny, or it's just not your brand of humor. Just got to keep reading until you find the handful of blogs you can't live without. That's the only thing I'm pretty sure of.
4. Between a unicorn with flatulance issues, a dragon with no teeth and a merman whose top half is a fish and bottom half a very unendowed man, which would you pick as a pet and why?
I would pick a dragon with no teeth. How awesome would that be. Yes I think I'd like a ride today, and don't you get sassy with me, or you'll what eat me hahahahaha.... After all who wants a stinky unicorn... (although if the unicorn is farting out rainbows and cotton candy I may be persuaded to change pets), and well half fish half man thing is really ummm wrong... and even if it wasn't... it's still a man which means it's eventually going to do something absurd and piss me off and before you know it we're not on talking terms anymore, and someone has to go sleep in the kennel outside... I mean really... it's just a disaster waiting to happen.
5. Since I am your no #1 ho bag, would I be able to stand on a street corner near you and not get beat up?
YES. I take real good care of my ho bags.
6. Gymnasts... do you also think that they are kinda of pornographic? Or is it just me? What else is kind of normal but pornographic? (i'm not sick in the head I swear)
For sure they're kinky. Hey guys and gals let's wear the tightest and highest cropped spandex ever made, and then do ridiculous stunts on the floor, with rings and beams. Cuz the splits are the BOMB. The other thing that's pornographic but considered normal is the way some people eat their food. CHRIST. It's fucking FOOD. I too have been known to have a foodgasm here or there but usually involves a lot of drooling and unnecessary chomping, NOT making horizontal mamba noises or performing phallic acts with the items on my plate. If it's that bad, go to a bar, any bar, get really drunk and go get laid. Thank you.
7. Complete this scenario "One day you come home from work and find 2 rabbits in your kitchen, they have an argument about beets v.s radishes. They say that if you do not side with one of them, they will destroy your house with a cyclone because they are friggin magic rabbits! So you...."
Let them destroy my house. If it's a cyclone that's considered an act of nature and my home insurance covers it. I've been wanting a new kitchen FOR YEARS......
8. You look like you're very tall, are you very tall? aw crap on a testicle this question sucks but go ahead and answer it, i'll add on a bonus question!
Me.. I'm not that tall, I'm generally wearing heels. I'm only 5"5", maybe 5'6" on a good day. But I wear 3 inch heels a lot so it gives the allusion that I'm about 5'8"
9. Soo... any funky accidents ever go down at the biotech lab?
No, but this one time we cooked up...... uh never mind
10. If you could be asked any question in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it?
I would have asked: If you could see only your future, but you could only choose one part of it to focus on (ie career, relationship, wealth, health) what part would you choose and why.
I would have answered: I would choose to focus on my marriage 30 years from now because that would give me a glimpse into the rest of my future life. Am I married to the same person, do we live in the same place, same house, did we have more children, are we still in love or are we together but miserable, did we finally win the fucking lottery... you know all that kind of great stuff.
11. Can you write a rap about the trials of motherhood in da hood? (10-20 lines)
motherhood is hard of that there is no doubt
Every round I go with these kids is another bout
of testing my resolve, patience, and smarts
but they are my world, my entire heart
Was told that kids couldn't happen for me
And then I was blessed with the two, whoppee!
Didn't feel complete until they were born
They are my first smile, my first breath
every morning
I live for the joy I see in their eyes
They are the best part of me
They echo every hope and dream
And are proof of what it means
to Hope and Believe
annnddd then I thought of another questionnnn because i'm insecure and all that
12. Out of curiousity, why did you want to be interviewed on my blog? I don't have a supremely high readership, it would be a greater honour to be in OhNoa's League of Funny Bitches!
Hello, why would I NOT want to be interviewed for your blog? You're totally fabulous......
YAY! Thank you for the lovely interview Becca and being the first person to be interviewed on my blog in 2012!
May your stars shine brighter than the ones in your crown and your raps be more gangsta than that dude that lives down the road whose pants look like their always about to fall off, you know what I mean? You know that dude? I don't know how he keeps his pants up but he looks real urban and stuff.
I once told a friend that I could never continue modelling because I didn't want to be hungry all the time. She then said to me "But you are hungry all the time, everyday you get out there and push yourself, I don't know what it is that you want, money, fame, success, whatever it is, you haven't found it" Hearing her tell me that I was hungry all the time stumped me and it continues to stump me again and again. Every morning I wake up and I go to work with thoughts of how to improve things. It seems like the only thing I am hungry for it to constantly make things better and more efficient.
Sorry I haven't been blogging or humorous lately. I'm undergoing a sort of midlife (quarter life?) crisis which started late last year. My work continues to be better than ever though. But now the pressure is on, I feel like someone somewhere has a polaroid of me tacked to a wall labeled "One to watch" to see if I continue to be successful or have some kind of nervous breakdown and bomb. I'm very tired but happy and that's all that really matters.
Recently I read a post made by an Australian blogger attacking Singaporean blogger, XiaXue, because she won 2 awards at the Nuffnang Asia Pacific blog awards.
I've been mm-ing and ahh-ing about it and finally i've decided, hey what else can I use to snap me out of my inability to write crap?
Moping around does not become me, I much prefer being all angry about things I can do nothing about and cannot affect me.
Anywho, don't want to link the Australian blogger because I don't think she deserves anymore hits.
I don't get it?
Why attack someone who has nothing to do with you because you have some unresolved issues in your life?
It's like me writing an article about how Jessica Alba doesn't deserve to be an actress because she's dumb as a rock. (no idea if she is or not)
You let yourself be so affected by someone who has absolutely nothing to do with you then go out and selectively dig up as much dirt on them as you can and use it.
What kind of person expands so much energy on something as useless as this?
Blogging is hard work, and as bloggers it's enough for us to realise that someone has spent a lot of their time and effort building their blog.
Words, photoshop, research, these are all tools that every blogger uses.
A little respect should be given to someone who's managed to do it for so many years.
I don't care, I just wanted it to look like a crap battle.
But then it would be demeaning to all that participate, so you come up with your own title.
After SocialAssassin made a little rap about me, I had to reciprocate.
Well, I tried to anyway.
So here it is.
"Mister Ass-ass-in
This is a rap battle you just can't win
I know you be tellin' the world that i'm crass
Prancing around with pictures of my ass
But the reality is that you're a big wussy
Textin' grandma's and eating pussy
Oh don't dare think that i'm done
This ain't over, even though i've won"
So see this very sweet little tralala ballad of a rap here that i've put together?
Yeah?
Well look at what SocialAssassin replied with.
"Grab a chair, sit down, and listen to me holler, Stop the sucky-sucky, put down the ten dollar, Take the number 47 with prawn crackers off the grill, And listen to me spit you a rhyme that is ill, I'm coming in swinging and bitch I swing hard, You want to throw your weight but girl this is MY yard, I've got the sick flow and the lyrical timing, You're gonna get pimp-handed by my dope-ass rhyming, No-one out-raps the Assassin, my discs are all platinum, Anyone gets in the ring I'm straight-up gonna flatten 'em, I may be a white boy from an Island in the sea, But you overstep the mark when you face off against me, Your pitiful words sounds like so much prattle, This 'aint a nursery rhyme its a fuckin' rap battle, You could barely hold your feet after one night clubbing, How you gonna handle this word-based drubbing?? I'm twice your size and a million times faster, You're the new padawan to my Jedi Master, I'm the sickest lyricist you've ever seen, My rap style is crazier than Charlie Sheen, While you're waffling about fashion and trying to look sweet, I bench-press sacks of rice in 100 degree heat, You may think this is a challenge to me that you're giving, But bitch I work with knives and cut chicks up for a living, So find your little hole and go crawl back in it, This is a rap-race and you're not gonna win it, While you're half-way round the track like a worn out cunt, I'm chillin' at the finish line smoking a blunt, I know you've seen my flow before, you told me you'd checked, So when you're strolling through my hood you should have shown some respect, Bow your mother-fucking head and toast me with sake, You just got served by a white boy who's hotter than Wasabi."
GOOD GOD.
He even had the gall to say he hoped that I was not easily offended.
If I was, I wouldn't live in Australia.
Not me, but it could be.
So I replied with
"Whoa whoa whoa are you ok?
You sound like Eminem at the karaoke <-- *note: I rhymed ok, with oke. brilliant! I know my lyrics and rhymes ain't that strong Maybe cuz I put down that bong I prefer to keep my raps short and pithy Yours are so long, you look damn silly You think you can come here and get yo way? Well fuck you my coffees mucho grande! What was I sayin? I don't even know I'm just tryin not to lose the flow Guess I don't get my beats from Vanilla ice He's just another white boy who's not very nice Ok ok you got some talent But I don't need it, my face is my weapon"
Then he went on
"The rap was so long to help you understand, That I planned my pimp-hand to leave you canned, Dont need to write an essay I can keep it real, Your raps sound like the barking of an asthmatic seal, I'm trying to cut you some slack cuz' you is a hoe, But I've seen urinary infections that had more flow, You're career's dead and buried and I'm the Graverobber, G's up, Hoe's down and Goodnight Cobber."
AND on and ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
But seriously.
SocialAssassin's got some mad skills and now we have an open mic.
Come up and challenge us!
I've made you all a little button you can add to your blog.
It is a masterpiece, why this is not hanging up in the Louvre I just don't know.
You can participate by commenting or writing a blog post about it, just make sure you link back to me and SocialAssassin!
As issued by SA himself
"Bring them on, come one come all,
They can step up, rep up and just watch 'em fall, I'll waste 'em in bunches or one at a time, This mofo here is the British Bulldog of Rhyme!! "
As for me, don't even try me.
I am more beautiful than all the asian girls in your local dim sum eatery and kick like a mule.
i'm so beautiful that stars fall down from the sky every time I walk by
GET READDYYY TO BATTLLLEE!!!!!
p.s: remember you can participate by commenting or writing a blog post then leaving us a link in the comments
You know what. I have no words. NO WORDS for the brilliance that this interview has sparked.
Me and the Social Ass-ass-in are now engaged in the most torrid rap battle i've ever been a part of.
I feel like Eminem, cept asian and a girl and a little bit shorter and not in the ghetto.
I was dilly dally-ing a little with this interview but then he ripped off his top showing me his silver dollar nipples and bountiful bosoms and shook them in my face till I interviewd him.
Disclaimer: SocialAssassin has requested that no one not plow him with any juveniles as they barely touch the sides.
1. What is your favourite drink? Both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.
I normally drink generic bourbons such as Jack Daniels or Jim Beam, but I have a weakness for single malt whiskey, such as Glenmorangie or Talisker. Otherwise I pretty much exist on strong black coffee, no sugar. It's like me, dark and bitter.2. How is the "Occupy Roy" movement going? Slowly. Despite our ranks being swelled by bloggers worldwide, the 1% still remain stubbornly silent and have yet to produce their new exciting post. Rest assured that I came well stocked on patchouli oil, cheap grass and weak lemon tea, and will be sitting out this movement until the voice of the people is heard and our demands are met. I encourage all your readers to get involved and bombard the establishment with their voices of support - united we stand, divided we .. er .. get bored and go watch NCIS.3. Why are you a Social Assassin? I'm taking that this would make you reallllyyy unpopular. Wait. Is that why you live on a small island?Some think I took the name from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but actually I chose it because my writing style is often quite sardonic and sarcastic, and I liked the image of myself hunting down topics that vexed me and then letting them have it with both barrels of my bitchiness-gun. The tagline under the blog name is a blatant theft from English/Australian comedian Tim Minchin, from his epic beat poem 'Storm'. I live on a small island because the wardens won't let us off without a doctor's pass, and they're a bit slap-happy with the cattle prods.4. Can you draw? I don't care really, draw me a picture of a mouse!I couldn't draw my curtains in the morning. At school I passed all my subjects with outstanding marks, apart from Art which i failed miserably. Truly miserably. However I was raised to believe it's rude to rebuff a woman unless she's on a street corner wearing fishnets, so I'll email you my mouse drawing imminently.
5. Why did you start blogging and what is your favourite post so far?Well here I get to tip my metaphorical hat to my old friend and actual proper real-life author Jody, of JodyNeilRuth.com - he's an old school friend and I saw he wrote a blog and read it one day, then followed a few links to other sites. I always loved writing but never really had an outlet for it until then, so the blame, sorry credit, falls fully at his feet. My favourite post so far is my article "Steven Seagal: International Douche" which still gets several hits a day, and has generated some amazing response, including a genuine death-threat.6. I was very very impressed with your comment on RADventures Shakespeare rap. Would you make a rap about me?Yes. Oh, you mean now??? Her name was Feryx and she had no class, She once tried to bribe me with pictures of her ass, She interviews other bloggers with questions most surreal, (Because it fills her blog up effortlessly with other's material, I feel), But she's also smart and sassy and a woman of great style, And when she writes her own posts her funny prose makes me smile, And she's smart and quite insightful when she's serious not funny, So hats off to you Miss Lim (Bitch, you better have my money!!)7. Between a chipmunk with diabetes, a goat with 3 legs but 1 of the 3 legs has no hoof and a titmouse with an eating disorder which would you choose as a pet and why?I'll take the chipmunk. My wife would find it cute, and I could train it to steal cash and car keys then lure it home with a sugar cube on a piece of string.8. Something embarrassing that makes you all a quiver with joy on your inside parts? 'Ice Ice Baby' by Vanilla Ice. He's my lyrical rap hero.
9. Swingers parties, yes or no?Yes. I also enjoy parties that have slides, roundabouts and bouncy castles. But on a serious note, no. I went through a plethora of hideous women in order to qualify for a woman as hot as my wife, and I'm not sharing her. Unless you're into women, in which case maybe we'll talk.10. If you could be asked any question in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it?"In the matter of eviscerating Justin Beiber with a blunt spork, how do you plead?" "Proudly Guilty".11. Describe yourself in ten words?Intelligent, sarcastic, diverse, musical, whimsical, obsequious, obreptitious, outside your window.
I gave SocialAssassin a chance to swap and change up questions and this was his reply:
Note that I didn't swap any answers by mistake. I would however combine 1, 8, and 9 and get drunk before swapping my wife for Vanilla Ice at a swingers party. My wife would presumably end up with Ice's right hand.
Anyway here is his fire breathing out a giant weiner.
I know right!!???!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? Mine always look like pineapples.
I realised that I had not kept up my streak of interviewing humour bloggers every week.
It is only because I did not want to sideline The Jules from The Gravel Farm.
He is worth the wait. (yes laadyyyyssssssss! <- no matter how I try to spell lady/ladies it all sounds like lad-ee in my head, I really was trying to pique the interest of women not boys)
Without further ado, I present to you, the very elusive Gravel Farmer, The JULES! *claps*
1. Best and Worst work story. I understand you're a paramedic, i'm sure there's some interesting stories around?
I am yes, although I don’t do too many ambulance related posts because there are plenty of them out there already and I don’t want to overplay the hand! It does get me a fair few decent anecdotes though.
Generically, the traditional best job we all like is a nice, complication-free delivery of a fresh new baby person into the world from a lady's special place. Her sore, stretched, bloodstained special place often requiring many stitches.
The worst? You really, really don't want me to tell you. Really.
2. If I were to cultivate my own gravel farm, what kind of gravel would you suggest?
The most pointless kind. So celebrity gravel. That way it doesn't matter if anyone steals it because it's not valuable anyway.
3. Your favourite Disney princess has come to visit you, what would you say and what would you guys do?
First, I'd ask who was the sluttiest princess and what's her number. Then we’d go and get hold of the fairy godmother, give her a pumpkin and get her to make me a McLaren MP4-12C with an 8 litre twin-turbo. That’s my kind of carriage. Then I’d let her treat me to a Pizza Express.
4. Weirdest comment/email from a fan?
I’m quite lucky with the standard of my commenters, and often pretty blown away by how funny, insightful, sympathetic, occasionally insulting or just plain decent they are. Usually, the comments are the best bit of my blog.
That said, I have had some fairly odd ones here and there, including some from folk appearing to have genuine mental health issues. I did have an email once complaining that I dared to use a pseudonym for my blog and demanding that I send them my real details.
They’re regretting asking that now as I won’t leave them alone.
5. Between an 80ft snake, elephant and howler monkey, which would you choose as a pet and why?
Tough choice. I could show the snake for money, like a herpetological pimp, but the Howler monkey would make a good burglar alarm and elephants are just all round useful critters, although I've got a few of them already. Could I have a hybrid of the three? A Howling Snakephant?
*note: HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING
6. I believe that I may be a contender for World's Smallest Giant, whachu gonna do bout it! (plus I play the ukelele)
First, I’d take off your stacked heels and then measure you. If you were a smaller giant than me, I think I'd be okay with it. I could introduce you by saying "Say hello to my leetle friend!” I’m gracious like that.
7. Would you let me hang out with your kids?
If it was to play, then yeah, sure. If it was to fetch and carry stuff around your meth lab . . . I'd have to think about it.
8. Complete this paragraph, "I was cycling to the grocery store when I got stopped by a bear and Feryx. The bear demanded that I give him $5,000.00 in cold hard cash and Feryx wanted my bike. The only way I could get out of this was to...."
“ . . . sell my bike to Feryx for 5K and give it to the bear.”
*note: Can I just say, well played sir, well played.
9. Once paramedics came to my house because my housemate called them, they came, found that there was no disturbance, we all sat down and had a smoke and chit chat. Is this normal paramedic behaviour??
No. Definitely not. Completely amateurish. They didn't have a beer.
10. If you could be asked anything in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it?
I would like to be asked “Would you like to set fire to the Strictly Come Dancing studio?” and I would answer “Yes. Yes I would.”
Also BONUS QUESTION!
11. If you were to run away to join the ripleys believe it or not circus (does that exist?) what talent could you possibly bring to the table?
The ability to be over-excited by anything.
“Hey, wow! Look at that! A pine cone! Woo!”
*note: the scientific name for this particular pine cone is pinus-nigra.
No shit! I didn't make anything up!
Now that we are all severely enlightened, we can all go home and sleep tight.
Thanks Jules, the for this wonderful interview that I had to pummel out of you!!
