Gravel Farming is SO much FUN
I realised that I had not kept up my streak of interviewing humour bloggers every week.
It is only because I did not want to sideline The Jules from The Gravel Farm.
He is worth the wait. (yes laadyyyyssssssss! <- no matter how I try to spell lady/ladies it all sounds like lad-ee in my head, I really was trying to pique the interest of women not boys)
1. Best and Worst work story. I understand you're a paramedic, i'm sure there's some interesting stories around?
I am yes, although I don’t do too many ambulance related posts because there are plenty of them out there already and I don’t want to overplay the hand! It does get me a fair few decent anecdotes though.
Generically, the traditional best job we all like is a nice, complication-free delivery of a fresh new baby person into the world from a lady's special place. Her sore, stretched, bloodstained special place often requiring many stitches.
The worst? You really, really don't want me to tell you. Really.
2. If I were to cultivate my own gravel farm, what kind of gravel would you suggest?
The most pointless kind. So celebrity gravel. That way it doesn't matter if anyone steals it because it's not valuable anyway.
3. Your favourite Disney princess has come to visit you, what would you say and what would you guys do?
First, I'd ask who was the sluttiest princess and what's her number. Then we’d go and get hold of the fairy godmother, give her a pumpkin and get her to make me a McLaren MP4-12C with an 8 litre twin-turbo. That’s my kind of carriage. Then I’d let her treat me to a Pizza Express.
4. Weirdest comment/email from a fan?
I’m quite lucky with the standard of my commenters, and often pretty blown away by how funny, insightful, sympathetic, occasionally insulting or just plain decent they are. Usually, the comments are the best bit of my blog.
That said, I have had some fairly odd ones here and there, including some from folk appearing to have genuine mental health issues. I did have an email once complaining that I dared to use a pseudonym for my blog and demanding that I send them my real details.
They’re regretting asking that now as I won’t leave them alone.
5. Between an 80ft snake, elephant and howler monkey, which would you choose as a pet and why?
Tough choice. I could show the snake for money, like a herpetological pimp, but the Howler monkey would make a good burglar alarm and elephants are just all round useful critters, although I've got a few of them already. Could I have a hybrid of the three? A Howling Snakephant?
*note: HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING
6. I believe that I may be a contender for World's Smallest Giant, whachu gonna do bout it! (plus I play the ukelele)
First, I’d take off your stacked heels and then measure you. If you were a smaller giant than me, I think I'd be okay with it. I could introduce you by saying "Say hello to my leetle friend!” I’m gracious like that.
7. Would you let me hang out with your kids?
If it was to play, then yeah, sure. If it was to fetch and carry stuff around your meth lab . . . I'd have to think about it.
8. Complete this paragraph, "I was cycling to the grocery store when I got stopped by a bear and Feryx. The bear demanded that I give him $5,000.00 in cold hard cash and Feryx wanted my bike. The only way I could get out of this was to...."
“ . . . sell my bike to Feryx for 5K and give it to the bear.”
*note: Can I just say, well played sir, well played.
9. Once paramedics came to my house because my housemate called them, they came, found that there was no disturbance, we all sat down and had a smoke and chit chat. Is this normal paramedic behaviour??
No. Definitely not. Completely amateurish. They didn't have a beer.
10. If you could be asked anything in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it?
I would like to be asked “Would you like to set fire to the Strictly Come Dancing studio?” and I would answer “Yes. Yes I would.”
Also BONUS QUESTION!
11. If you were to run away to join the ripleys believe it or not circus (does that exist?) what talent could you possibly bring to the table?
The ability to be over-excited by anything.
“Hey, wow! Look at that! A pine cone! Woo!”
*note: the scientific name for this particular pine cone is pinus-nigra.
No shit! I didn't make anything up!
Now that we are all severely enlightened, we can all go home and sleep tight.
Thanks Jules, the for this wonderful interview that I had to pummel out of you!!
