Absolute eloquence and sh*t

No overnight success

Sat, 26 May 2012 19:01:57 -0700

Today I delve into my personal life a little more than usual.

I mean everyone has seen me flashing my ta-tas at some point (I see you there telescope man across the street!!)

You've heard me complain about the fact that I have no life because all I do is work.

Then there are those who think that I am an extremely shallow person.

When I am not working or in full work mode, I like to indulge in looking at and talking about fashion bla blas.

2 years ago, I was working for a dead end company, trying my best to keep whatever it was going by doing whatever.

I was paid so badly I was not in a tax bracket but that was fine, being paid badly was ok, not being paid at all though..

Till today they owe me months of pay and have refused to reply to any emails or return any phone calls.

Prior to that I was freelancing in an industry that will break your balls if you had any.

I now have broken ovaries, not as pleasant I can assure you.

Today I continue to work in the industry I enjoy and for a company whom I have absolute loyalty to. :)

I am happy and content with my career like I have not been before.

Structure and planning has had a lot to do with it through.

It has been many hard years of slogging to get here.

There is no overnight success, sometimes there is luck and chance.

H0lla at my humour bloggers!

Sorry I have been out of the loop. *beats fist on chest*

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Commitmentphobia lvl 5293748217410827481274918264

Sun, 20 May 2012 18:33:29 -0700

Oh hello Jennifer Aniston, patron saint of non relationship relationships

Oh shit what's this? other Jennifer also wants in.

NO. NO JENNIFER YOU CAN TAKE YOUR BLINGY LADY GARDEN AND GTFO.

Both of you can GTFO.

My parents are in town and they are asking things about my relationship.

Since i am someone who is naturally skittish about relationships, this has amped up my commitment phobia to unseeming (this is a word because I say so) levels.

Zeus has asked me to please tone it down up there.

I don't talk about my relationship in much detail except to good friends, neither does the bf.

In fact I think for a long time, everyone thought we were single.

This is what happens when you don't talk about your personal life too much.

Also you get people trying to get in your grooves that then get angry when they find out you're not single.

Don't assume people, if I am at a point where things are cast in stone nothing can be done, if nothing is certain but I don't like you, nothing can be done either.

So the only solution is to corner me when I am emotionally confused and be good looking.

Also helps if you are relatively funny and not too dumb.

And when my relationship is not on.

And when I am feeling randy.

And there are a lot of things that need to happen for this to happen.

Sometimes the a lot of things can be a lot of cocktails.

And I think I have officially pushed this too far.

I should stop there.

But I wont.

I'll stop riiiiggghhhttt here instead.

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Dead? dead :(

Tue, 08 May 2012 21:52:04 -0700

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Maybe it's unfeminist, maybe it's Maybelline

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 20:01:42 -0700

Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with Maybelline.

Yesterday I was a lipstick lesbian then today I am preaching about how to get or keep a man.
That's because everything may be completely made up, maybe it's true, maybe you'll have to stick a lie detector test on me.

This all came about because of a expert cleaner who cleans the house I am currently staying in.
Her tips and tricks on how to keep a man happy and your marriage working. invaluable.She's the kind of fussy old maid that you want making you a hot cup of milo when you're crying into your apron or that will add discreet dashes of whiskey to your tea when you're being hysterical.
In short, I wish I could clone her and take her back to Sydney to stay with me forever and ever.

1. Know when to hold your temper or when it is time to let things go for awhile

Her philosophy is that men are very moody creatures and if you push them too hard they'll go crazy and murder you with a rock or something.
I say that can be well used for women too especially on those few days in a month.
Murder.with.a.rock.

2.Take care of yourself, don't give yourself up too easily

It's kind of like Mcdonalds, it's yummy with zero nutritional value.
There are clear guidelines and there are grey areas with things, you don't often become lifelong partners with people you only see recreationally.

3. Excussee mah beauty

Youth and beauty is only valuable when you are young and beautiful, learn to provide for yourself.
She gave me a very long talk on this because she was horrified that all I did was work.
I've only recently started going for facials or to get my nails and hair done.
In her words "You're very beautiful now but if you don't take care of yourself there are lots of ladies out there who are younger and more beautiful"
To me, there's always going to be someone younger and more beautiful than I am, I don't buy into the rif raf that we should all be chasing eternal youth.
I feel much better about myself and my appearance now than I did when I was 20, but I guess a little upkeep is not a bad idea.

4. Enjoy your youth before you settle down because it only comes once

Amongst her suggestions were "go out dancing! go to the pub! go drinking! have boyfriends!"
I failed x 10. I've gone out while in Singapore which was really fun but it's definitely not something I can do every week or even every other week.
My enjoyment of my youth is very career focused then comes the other things I like spending time on.
Games, books, cooking, writing, drinking a glass or two of nice wine, movies, spending time with the people I love and care about.

5. People never change

I think they do.. to a certain degree but the core characters of a person are pretty much set.
When picking a partner, consider whether you can live with who they are for the rest of your life.. love only carries you so far.

Well there it is.

What life philosophies have you learnt from other people?

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Hey there LAY-DEEESSSS

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 20:53:17 -0700

I have a crippling fear of commitment and grass.
Grass is the DEVIL, it is full of hidden gross things like earthworms, poop, beetles, mud, dead and decaying creatures ugh ugh ugh.
Fk grass, keep it on the fields and far away from me, unless I am wearing fully covered shoes and am sitting on a plastic sheet.

Anyway yesterday I had two options, take a sleeping pill or go with my friend to a lesbian bar.
Since she was only stopping over in Singapore for a night and i'm not local, I had no idea where to go.
In the end we didn't go out but this is what I imagine would have happened.

That's me, in a rainforest themed club, crying, surrounded by pointy eared skanks.

I would have gotten exceedingly drunk just by stepping into the club.
I'm an asian girl, the alcohol fumes will be enough for me.
Then I would sit down, take a few deep breaths and proceed to get rip roaringly wasted while crying into a table about how all guys are assholes and I should go out with girls instead.
Everyone will avoid me like the plague except for the one nice girl who comes and makes my life better.
I swear off men and we live happily ever after.
Also she'll be swimming in dough so I don't have to worry about my mortgage ever again.

The End.

Now this is what would really happen.

Everything above except for meeting a nice girl because no girl is crazy enough to go near someone like that.
Unless they have issues.. ya know there are those who like to feel that they are saving the world?

Annnyyywho.

There is no really running from commitment or life or whatever it is.
As my friend told me, you're not that young anymore, you can start thinking about things like these.
To that I say heh.
Also I decided to take a sleeping tablet since i've not slept properly for a few days with having a fever and all.

Things that happened:

1. I felt an extreme sense of well being towards everybody
2. My brain turned off all filters so while having a chat with my best friend I was apparently very weird, no filters does not mean more honesty, no filters means any random thought can be expressed at any time
3. I wanted to text my friend to say we should go out for a drink4. I became dizzyingly paranoid after about an hour

To explain no.4, yesterday I heard a loud crash in the house so ran downstairs and one of the paintings had fallen down.
It was hung up by quite thick wire so am not sure what happened but it looks like the wire snapped?
So.. when paranoia hit, I thought there was someone in the house and had been there since the painting fell, there wasn't, I checked and I knew there wasn't anyone in the house but part of me was having none of it.
I checked the house 3-4 times, all clear.

Finally I dozed off with extra pillows around me, for protection.

Wow I am a very well adjusted adult.

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Stuff has been happening round da block

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 09:03:53 -0700

Sorry I have not been blogging, works just been crazy (when is it ever not?)

Before I begin, big shoutout to Jen at Portlandiamom, i'm meant to interview her next in my series of interviews with humour bloggers.

Interview should be on it's way to her as soon as I have 5 minutes to breathe and think of awesome questions!

Thank you for your patience Jen <3<3

I've been in Singapore for the past week and tomorrow I pack up to leave.

Singapore, to borrow a word from a friend of mine, you have been FABULOUS.

With a capital all of those letters and more.

I cannot believe that time has flown by so quickly.

From all the hoardes of delicious food I have consumed to the lovely people I have spent time with to the quirky laneways I have explored.

Fabulous to a T.

In Singapore I have eaten more food than I normally consume in a month, possibly 2.

I have gone on beautiful yatchs, danced while overlooking the bay and worn a jacket only once.

I am incredibly lucky to not only be working in an industry I love and have dedicated most of my time to but to work with such a great team.

Thank you for giving me the chance to experience Singapore and all it's wonders for myself.

I must go into detail about my trip soon but now the medication is making me sleepy.

Good bye Singapore, I will miss you.

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So.. I don't brush my hair?

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:36:31 -0700

Apparently this is some what of an anomaly?

I have not brushed or combed my hair in more than 10 years.. actually.. I don't know when I last brushed my hair.
I don't own a hairdryer and have not blow dried my own hair for.. good god this is starting to look craptisculy unfeminine.
I had a hairdryer maybe 4 years ago? I might have used it once or twice?
But but! sometimes when i'm travelling I do try to blow dry my hair so i'm not walking around with soppy hair!
I get my hair done every 6 months to a year (absolute shame face)

To be fair, my hair rarely if ever gets tangled.
It's wavy and kind of fluffy, I have more problems combating frizz than anything else but that seems to have calmed down with awesome keratin treatments.
I've stopped dyeing my hair any sorts of browns but decided to dye it black resulting in most unseeming fiascos where the red starts to bleed through again.
When my hair gives me the shits I tie it up or put it in a bun.

Tell me i'm not alone.
There are other women out there who do not brush their hair ever, or own a hair dryer??

ANYONE???

(most self indulgent post ever)

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Get ready to BSCHOOLED on nickel night

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 17:13:00 -0700

Sorry sorry SSOOORRRYYY I have been absolutely delayed with posting up with shazzamawammin' interview!

Let's just pretend that I was stuck in a time warp where I swam around in 80's hair with 60's pants and the morality of a woman from the 1800's.

That just makes it damn hard to have a good swim because those 1800's bitches keep their legs SHUT.

Anyway, without further ado, I present the funniest pee your pants watch wearing person in the bloggiverse

!!JUST MAKIN CONVO!!

Now 80% more attractive with the addition of a watch.

Swing your nipple tassles and give her a warm welcome and enjoy the interview!

1. Sometimes I see people with hair on their big toes, I mean I have a hair or two on my big toe.. why do you think people have hair there?

I think you’ll agree that the best way for me to answer this is in haiku form.

Follically ab-
Undant toe. reason irrel-
Evant. Amputate.

2. Cameltoes, vaginas in too tight spandex.. don't actually look that alike.. or do they? hmmm

Mine sure doesn’t! Only because it’s situated closer to my knee cap.

Also, the crevice is horizontal. So it kind of looks like it’s smirking.

(apparently that's what whores looked like then, good god)

3. Eventually one day sometime in the future I think I mean maybe we just might meet, what do you think will happen?

I think we will meet at the Wild West Saloon, circa 1913.

You’ll be wearing a fetching victorian corset, and I’ll be wearing a tasteful pair of Sheriff-badge inspired nipple tassels. I’ll also be wearing a beekeeper hat, just to make me seem more mysterious.

Obviously we will hit it off right away, and will be so busy laughing and dancing and collecting honey that we won’t realize that it’s not actually a saloon we’re in, but rather a whore house.

This scenario will allow me to fulfill two life goals at once: You and I meeting in person, and finally having a context for the idiom. “It’s hotter than a whore house on nickel night.” (Which reminds me, we also have to meet on nickel night.)

Maybe later we’ll return to present day and get our drink on. We can play it by ear.

4. Between a cockchafer, soft shelled turtle and turducken, which will you choose as a pet and why?

That depends. Would I still be able to ride the soft-shell turtle? Or would he be all like, “Get off me! You’re indenting my shell and crushing me and now my turtle guts are spread out on the concrete and it’s embarrassing because normally turtles are very reserved animals except for flat back turtles that I call“Sea Whores” because they’re always on their backs which is why they’re so flat no offense to sea horses, though."

There’s nothing that annoys me more than anal-retentive pets.

Anyway, to answer your question, I’d definitely pick the cockchafer.

5. What is this book that you are writing? When will it be released? Any sneak previews? Why did you go to Mexico to write it?

I went to Mexico because it’s cheap. And hot. And I despise Canadian winters. Also, I thought it would inspire me since my collection of essays are primarily based on the time I spent studying Spanish/traveling in Central America. (Had I been thinking logically at the time, I would have gone back to Central America instead.) I’d give you a sneak peek, but it’s not actually in book form yet. Or coherent English.

Because I lack the to ability to focus on any writing project for longer than five minutes, I estimate the release will be sometime after the Apocolypse. (Fingers crossed!)

6. Where do you get your ideas on what to write in your blog, some of it is just.. the blog post where you spoked french using emoticons, good god I wouldn't know where to begin. Do you have some kind of thought process? (My blog process is doing mindless tasks, like showering or shaving and I have not blogged for awhile... this does not bode well)

I know that my earlier posts stemmed from interactions I had with co-workers, acquaintances, reading celebrity gossip sites, etc. I also spent a few months letting my insomnia guide me.

Honestly, I’ve always been so fascinated by the thought-processes of other eccentric people/personality-types that it only recently occurred to me that my time might be better spent trying to understand my own.

(with this mask we can BE Courtney Stodden! Be still my brashly beating heart beneath my breastessess)

7. You may choose to answer this question as Courtney Stodden. How does cake make you feel?

Do you mean if as if I actually am Courtney Stodden? Or as me, talking like Courtney Stodden?

Because I’m versatile, I’ll do both.

As Courtney Stodden:

“Seductively swallowing the succulent sinfulness and savoring the scrumptiousness as it scrupulously surrenders itself into the severely stretched space of my STD-symptom saturated subterranean.”

As me, mimicking Courtney Stodden:

Same as above. (Except for the STD part)

8. "Dear B Schooled,

My boyfriend tells me that he loves me but he keeps trying to put my hands in his socks but it makes me very uncomfortable.
When I do that, my eye is always at level with his belt buckle, it says "I LIKE RIASINS" and he often thrusts it in my face.
I don't know how to approach this, how do I tell him that his favourite belt has a spelling mistake?
Help?

Love
Penny from the block"

Did you post this question on Yahoo Answers? Because I think I already answered it.

I was the one who wrote that you should love your boyfriend no matter what cuz u never no if u will get another one and maeybe hes just shy and thrusting a belt buckle in ur face is his way of shoewing u that he r lieks u and I dont under stand what u mean about the spelling misteak?

9. Let's say the Mayans were right and 2012 is the apocalypse. Is there anything you'd want to do before the world ends? Have you done everything you have wanted to?

It’s always been my dream to dress up in traditional mayan clothing (an indigenous pantsuit with matching sash, or a colorful feathered headdress, perhaps) and predict that the world is going to end in 2012.

But since I wasn’t planning to do it until the spring of 2013, it’s obviously not going to happen.

10. If you could be asked any question in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it?

I would want someone to ask me “What’s your damage?” , and I would answer them by rolling my eyes and saying in a condescending voice, “Seriously homey, who says that anymore?”

Then shit would get real and we'd start wrassling each other but eventually we’d work it all out and everything would be cool beans.

Head over to her blog if you want to make some convo!!

Thank you for the interview and for Schoolin us all.

Namaste biatch.

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English is messed up y0

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 18:41:31 -0800

When i'm in Malaysia I speak:

- english/hokkien/malay at home

- cantonese/hokkien/mandarin at the coffee shop

- malay/english at the mamak

- a hodge podge of everything above to my friends

But in Australia I speak:

-English, english, occasional cantonese/mandarin

It's not a bad thing that my English is fairly good or shall I say proficient (let's all use big words to feel like douchebags)

Sometimes I am a bit sad, when I tell people I don't know how to say it in English.

It's not because there is no English word to describe how I feel, most of the time there is anyway but it's just not the right word.

I miss being able to throw out multiple languages to most accurately depict how I feel and my level of emotion.

And when you think about it, English is a fairly messed up language, there are no accurate rules or anything.

It's like someone just took a shitload of words from other languages and mashed them into the english language and called it a day.. owaitaminit.

Interview coming soon!

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Sh*t I learnt from stuff

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 17:13:17 -0800

I am truly blessed and stuff to love what I do and do what I love.

Can I get a HOOLLLLAAAAAAA???!!!!

Anywho there's a whole bunch of shit i've learnt from film production work.

I shall now deign to splatter this information all over you.

Assassin's Creed

1. Wear steel capped boots for the love of all that is holy.

The amount of times I have shattered my toenails or broke my toe.. and it's always the same fucking toe.

Unfortunately for me I have teeny weeny baby feet and the boots that I have are not steel capped.

Apparently children cannot wear things like that because they may accidentally fracture their parents skull in a epileptic fit. who knew?

2. You are only as good as the most junior person on set

Do not ever presume that you are too good for menial tasks.

But don't try and take on too much, you're hired for a reason, make sure you can do that before taking on anything else.

3. Eat and rest

This is something I am always guilty of not doing, I don't eat properly or rest enough in between takes.

Then sometimes I have very relaxing shoots where all I seem to be doing is eating up all the food.

Fine balance, too much food = tired, too little food = tired, too much fruit = shitting your pants

4. Patience is a virtue

I describe shooting as 70% waiting, 20% frantic screaming, 10% everything is going well.

Be patient and considerate when others are setting up, we have a schedule and they know that, don't be all up in their grill about it.

Don't try to rush shots along, again we have a schedule, only panic when we are more than 10% of total allocated time behind.

5. Faint heartedness be gone

This industry is not for those seeking glamour and an easy way out.

It's an industry built on a lot of passion and love (did I actually say love? eeeekkk) and those who are in it for other reasons jump ship fairly quickly.

Be ready to always do your best, people may not remember your name but they'll remember how you performed, kind of like one night stands.

Me on set for the first short film i'd ever worked on in Australia

That's my 5 cents worth on the industry.

ta-da.

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Writers block? PFFT I shit all over that

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 16:54:58 -0800

Seriously guys, I don't have writers block.

I can write plenty good.

Socks. Cup. Phone. Hair. Screen.

See wordies! Lots of them too!

Oh.. you want me to put them into a sentence. fuck. ok.

Let me think about this.

I wore some socks and there's a cup on the table and my phone and my monitor and some hair.

I have a very large vocabulary ya know..

Things like Samsung, Digital, Cup, Bank, Calculator, Infinity, Dear, Feryx, Do, You, Have, Problems, Satisfying, Your, Woman, ?,

And only half of those words are from naming or reading things around me.

No prizes for guessing, actually.. no guessing.

AH crap I said cup twice.

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Siblings, potential ATMs

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 16:30:17 -0800

I am mind wrenchingly jealous every time people talk about their good relationships with their siblings.

STOP FLAUNTING YOUR HAPPINESS IN MY FACE AREA YOU $*@&$*^@*$&*$@

Having said that, it's not like I don't love my little brothers.

I would do almost anything for them, I buy them anything they want, I feed them anything they want, I cook them anything they want.

What I cannot show in emotions I make up for in material things.

I'm a prime target for anyone looking for a sugar mommy, hit me up.

But our relationship is meh, zip, nada, almost practically non-existent.

For starters, I live in Australia land of far fucking away and they are both in the UK with one of them moving to the US pretty soon.

I left home when I was very young where they were allowed to incubate til they were of age.

Every time I came home, I would be working or not home.

I'm a girl, they are boys, I'm the horrific bad influence of smoking and drinking whereas they are angels who campaign against all that jazz.

My brother used to work in a bar and they would get free drinks, he decided to help himself to tons of orange juice.

I would be absolutely shitfaced and handing out free drinks from under the bar, all pretence of sobriety thrown to the wind.

I am very proud of them and their achievement, they're smart little things.

Actually, they're no longer little, they are in my head but in reality both my brothers are almost at the 6ft mark, making me the runty tiny one in the family.

Point being, love your siblings, you never know when you need to borrow money off them.

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Invest in yourself

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:15:05 -0800

I keep having conversations with my friend over the years about how I feel like shit because of shit.

In a nutshell, it seems like my biggest vice is making excuses.

For a long time, my career was my excuse for everything.

Can't go to dinner because I have too much work.

Can't eat properly because I have too much work.

Can't exercise properly because I have too much work.

Can't look good because I have too much work.

Can't see my friends because I have too much work.

BLA FRIGGIN BLA BLA BLA CRAPSITESTICLES

My friend, who is very awesome and talented btw, check out his site has continuously told me to invest in myself.

In my head self investment = career (or masturbation? I never did check..)

But for some reason as I was lying awake at 3am, everything clicked.

I think there's a fine line between accepting yourself and wanting to be better.

If I was dangled over a volcano now and forced to say if i'm happy with myself, I would say no.

My excuse for not looking after myself?

Is that I mfkin look like THIS

Now who wants to high 5 my boyfriend?

Btw YouGotSars, shoe rating on a scale of 1-10, these are my favourite pair, comfortable but neutral enough to go with everyytthinnnggg.

Anyway, I can't rely on genetics forever (no matter HOW AWESOME I look) and that picture does not show you my horrible rashy skin and dark eye circles.

I thought I could coast by looking like this forever but I can't.

Invest in yourself because no one else will.

Unless you're a golddigger than your sugar daddy will I guess.

Have started training again, god lunges killed, my knees are shot to shit.

Next stop hair appointment and nail appointment.

I already eat fairly healthy so maybe a bit of fine tweaking there.

Overall I feel happy and ready to finally accept that I can be the most important person in my life.

Sorry there wasn't much funny in this post.

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BLOGHER12 GIVEAWAY

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 17:22:28 -0800

Hello LAYDEEEESSS

I am giving away my tickets to Blogher12.

First in best dressed and ta-ta's OUT.

seriously, this was the best picture I could find of Blogher12?

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Guesty posties

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 18:07:58 -0800

I am currently stuck in an asshat of BLAAHHHHHHH.

So who wants to guest blog for me ey?

Or alternatively you can try flashing you ta-ta's at me to get me out of this funk.

Writing or ta-ta's.

You pick.

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How to be the most awesome dude ever

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:00:00 -0800

Since everyone in the world (Jen) has put together a list of commandments for pleasing a lady, I thought I would do my own.

A very specific list, tailored to pleasing me

1. buy me food
2. buy me food
3. buy me food
4. buy me food
5. buy me food
6. love me
7. love me
8. buy me food
9. love me
10. buy me food and don't cheat on me

I especially like being brought food.
Bitches love food.

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I'm pretty sure that this interview ROCKS!

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:27:00 -0800

For the first time in my life, I feel like everything I have ever blogged for has been validated when the lovely Becca from I'm Pretty Sure That actually requested an interview.

I know right? Someone fan me right up the hoo ha cuz it's getting hot all up in hereeeee!

Because of her supreme awesomeness, I have edited this photo so she looks like a true winner!

If you look closely, you can see that her crown is made of stars, because she is a star! attention to detail people.

Visit her blog for super duper awesomeness!

NOW READ HER INTERVIEW FOR ALL THINGS SHE'S PRETTY SURE ABOUT!!

1. Snails, yay or nay? Why?

YAY because who doesn't love snails. Yeah, they're kind of gross when you accidentally squish one, but otherwise they make for the perfect pet when you're mom says you're not allowed to have pets... besides snail slime is kind of shimmery and so if the light's just right it looks like rainbows on the sidewalk.

(yeah ok they're kind of cute)

2. Have you ever stolen anything? Is yes, what, if no, WHY NOT! 5 fingered discounts are the shizzz

Ummm yes, a shirt from a department store on a dare when I was 14, and I felt awful for days. I eventually gave it to the friend that dared me because I couldn't even stand to look at in and partly because I was scared shitless that the cops were going to show up at my house any minute and haul me off to jail. Jail scares me. (Hold me)

3. You have lots of things you are pretty sure about, anything you're pretty sure about in the world of humour blogs?

(I personally think a lot of comedy type folks whether bloggers, stand up, comedy writers etc are a little bit wonky in the head..)

Well I'm pretty sure that I AM Wonky in the head. The wonkiness makes for great writing. The only thing I'm really sure about in world of humor blogs is that not everyone has the same sense of humor. There must be 100's of thousands of humor blogs on the interwebs, but not each one of them is piss yourself funny, or it's just not your brand of humor. Just got to keep reading until you find the handful of blogs you can't live without. That's the only thing I'm pretty sure of.

4. Between a unicorn with flatulance issues, a dragon with no teeth and a merman whose top half is a fish and bottom half a very unendowed man, which would you pick as a pet and why?

I would pick a dragon with no teeth. How awesome would that be. Yes I think I'd like a ride today, and don't you get sassy with me, or you'll what eat me hahahahaha.... After all who wants a stinky unicorn... (although if the unicorn is farting out rainbows and cotton candy I may be persuaded to change pets), and well half fish half man thing is really ummm wrong... and even if it wasn't... it's still a man which means it's eventually going to do something absurd and piss me off and before you know it we're not on talking terms anymore, and someone has to go sleep in the kennel outside... I mean really... it's just a disaster waiting to happen.

5. Since I am your no #1 ho bag, would I be able to stand on a street corner near you and not get beat up?

YES. I take real good care of my ho bags.

6. Gymnasts... do you also think that they are kinda of pornographic? Or is it just me? What else is kind of normal but pornographic? (i'm not sick in the head I swear)

For sure they're kinky. Hey guys and gals let's wear the tightest and highest cropped spandex ever made, and then do ridiculous stunts on the floor, with rings and beams. Cuz the splits are the BOMB. The other thing that's pornographic but considered normal is the way some people eat their food. CHRIST. It's fucking FOOD. I too have been known to have a foodgasm here or there but usually involves a lot of drooling and unnecessary chomping, NOT making horizontal mamba noises or performing phallic acts with the items on my plate. If it's that bad, go to a bar, any bar, get really drunk and go get laid. Thank you.

7. Complete this scenario "One day you come home from work and find 2 rabbits in your kitchen, they have an argument about beets v.s radishes. They say that if you do not side with one of them, they will destroy your house with a cyclone because they are friggin magic rabbits! So you...."

Let them destroy my house. If it's a cyclone that's considered an act of nature and my home insurance covers it. I've been wanting a new kitchen FOR YEARS......

8. You look like you're very tall, are you very tall? aw crap on a testicle this question sucks but go ahead and answer it, i'll add on a bonus question!

Me.. I'm not that tall, I'm generally wearing heels. I'm only 5"5", maybe 5'6" on a good day. But I wear 3 inch heels a lot so it gives the allusion that I'm about 5'8"

9. Soo... any funky accidents ever go down at the biotech lab?

No, but this one time we cooked up...... uh never mind

10. If you could be asked any question in the world, what would it be and how would you answer it?

I would have asked: If you could see only your future, but you could only choose one part of it to focus on (ie career, relationship, wealth, health) what part would you choose and why.

I would have answered: I would choose to focus on my marriage 30 years from now because that would give me a glimpse into the rest of my future life. Am I married to the same person, do we live in the same place, same house, did we have more children, are we still in love or are we together but miserable, did we finally win the fucking lottery... you know all that kind of great stuff.

11. Can you write a rap about the trials of motherhood in da hood? (10-20 lines)

motherhood is hard of that there is no doubt

Every round I go with these kids is another bout

of testing my resolve, patience, and smarts

but they are my world, my entire heart

Was told that kids couldn't happen for me

And then I was blessed with the two, whoppee!

Didn't feel complete until they were born

They are my first smile, my first breath

every morning

I live for the joy I see in their eyes

They are the best part of me

They echo every hope and dream

And are proof of what it means

to Hope and Believe

annnddd then I thought of another questionnnn because i'm insecure and all that

12. Out of curiousity, why did you want to be interviewed on my blog? I don't have a supremely high readership, it would be a greater honour to be in OhNoa's League of Funny Bitches!

Hello, why would I NOT want to be interviewed for your blog? You're totally fabulous......

YAY! Thank you for the lovely interview Becca and being the first person to be interviewed on my blog in 2012!

May your stars shine brighter than the ones in your crown and your raps be more gangsta than that dude that lives down the road whose pants look like their always about to fall off, you know what I mean? You know that dude? I don't know how he keeps his pants up but he looks real urban and stuff.

Please visit her blog for more hilarity!

VISIT HER BLOG GODDAMMIT!

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Stumping me over and over again

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:26:31 -0800

I once told a friend that I could never continue modelling because I didn't want to be hungry all the time.
She then said to me "But you are hungry all the time, everyday you get out there and push yourself, I don't know what it is that you want, money, fame, success, whatever it is, you haven't found it"
Hearing her tell me that I was hungry all the time stumped me and it continues to stump me again and again.
Every morning I wake up and I go to work with thoughts of how to improve things.
It seems like the only thing I am hungry for it to constantly make things better and more efficient.

Sorry I haven't been blogging or humorous lately.

I'm undergoing a sort of midlife (quarter life?) crisis which started late last year.

My work continues to be better than ever though.
But now the pressure is on, I feel like someone somewhere has a polaroid of me tacked to a wall labeled "One to watch" to see if I continue to be successful or have some kind of nervous breakdown and bomb.

I'm very tired but happy and that's all that really matters.

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Like, double eww tee efff

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:13:00 -0800

Recently I read a post made by an Australian blogger attacking Singaporean blogger, XiaXue, because she won 2 awards at the Nuffnang Asia Pacific blog awards.

I've been mm-ing and ahh-ing about it and finally i've decided, hey what else can I use to snap me out of my inability to write crap?

Moping around does not become me, I much prefer being all angry about things I can do nothing about and cannot affect me.

Anywho, don't want to link the Australian blogger because I don't think she deserves anymore hits.

I don't get it?

Why attack someone who has nothing to do with you because you have some unresolved issues in your life?

It's like me writing an article about how Jessica Alba doesn't deserve to be an actress because she's dumb as a rock. (no idea if she is or not)

You let yourself be so affected by someone who has absolutely nothing to do with you then go out and selectively dig up as much dirt on them as you can and use it.

What kind of person expands so much energy on something as useless as this?

Blogging is hard work, and as bloggers it's enough for us to realise that someone has spent a lot of their time and effort building their blog.

Words, photoshop, research, these are all tools that every blogger uses.

A little respect should be given to someone who's managed to do it for so many years.

I guess my point is.

Grow the fuck up.

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Guess what guys? guys? guys!

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 18:06:19 -0800

I've reached a point where i'm just like, "I CANNOT HAS ANYMORE FUNNY"

Is it the holidays?

Is it work?

Is it because most of my friends are married? (there has been a constant stream of weddings for the past 2 years)

Is it me being a sad old person?

NO I CAN'T HAZ A HAPPEE YOU FUCKING PUSSY

Now lemme lone

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